A Reason to Live
by Catherine4
Summary: It's Lucy Ripley's birthday and she's becoming a teenager. For her mother, and the rest of her large adoptive Station 19 family, the event brings up a lot of painful memories. Written after 2x15. Oneshot. Mostly Vic, with some Jack/Maya thrown in.


_It's Lucy Ripley's birthday and she's becoming a teenager. For her mother, and the rest of her large adoptive Station 19 family, the event brings up a lot of painful memories. Written after 2x15._

**A Reason to Live**

Montgomery was reclining on the sofa in the break room with his eyes closed. The shift was winding down and all the maintenance and chores were done for the day. He was taking advantage in the lull of activity in the fire house and hoping that no last-minute calls came in before home time. It had been a crazy stressful day. There was the sound of footsteps approaching and he opened his eyes to find one of his favourite people in the whole world standing before him, her backpack slung over her shoulder. His face stretched into a beaming grin and he stood up. "Hey kiddo."

Lucy threw her bag down on the dining table and stepped into his arms for a hug. "Hi Uncle Travis. Is Mom here?"

"No, she's on Aid Car today with Maya. They got another call about 20 minutes ago. She shouldn't be too long though. In the meantime, you can hang out with me. How was school?" Travis pulled away, looking Lucy in the eye. "Wait. How did you get here? There's no way you're old enough to be catching the bus by yourself."

"Relax" she said, sounding every bit like the independent confident teenager she was about to turn into. Travis had to remind himself sometimes that she was still only 12. Until tomorrow, at least. "Josie's Mom gave us a ride. She had to go into work."

Travis nodded, satisfied. Lucy's best friend's parents both worked at the hospital only a few blocks away. Although he raised an eyebrow when he asked "us?"

There was a crash from downstairs and Travis looked towards the door but Lucy just shook her head. "I have homework" she said, trying not to laugh at the look of dread on Travis' face.

"Woah, slow down, will you?" Jack's shout could be heard from the corridor followed by a hurried "sorry Dad!"

Seconds later Caitlin, Alex and Isaac barrelled into the kitchen, the boys shouting excitedly. Jack hovered in the doorway, leaning on the frame with an amused expression on his face. He caught sight of Lucy as she looked up from her textbook. "You know, when you four were running around here as toddlers we all thought it was cute. Now you're just loud and annoying."

Caitlin took the juice from the refrigerator and shut the door, narrowing her eyes at her father. "Not me" she said, wiping her mouth with her sleeve. "I'm the quiet twin."

"That's not difficult" Jack said, shooting a glance at his son who was practically hitting the ceiling with excitement.

"We won our softball match" Alex said with a grin. "I can't wait to tell Mom. Hey, can I have a cookie? I know where Uncle Dean keeps his secret stash."

Jack shook his head. "We all know that. But no, you'll spoil your dinner. Your mother will not be pleased. When you're an adult you can decide to have chocolate chip cookies for dinner but not before."

"Like uncle Dean does?" Isaac, the youngest and smallest of the Station 19 offspring asked the question with a cheeky grin on his face. He didn't expect an answer. "Is my Mom in her office?" He didn't wait for an answer to that one either. He threw his bag down in the middle of the floor and scuttled out the door to go and annoy his mother.

Alex admitted defeat on the cookie front and went to joint his sister on the couch. "Do you guys have homework too?" Jack asked his kids.

"Yeah" they answered in unison, but neither of them made any effort to reach for their schoolbags and get to work. Jack didn't have the energy for that particular battle right now. It had been a long day for everyone.

"Is your shift over yet?" Caitlin asked.

Jack checked his watch. "17 minutes. But we might have to wait a little longer today."

Lucy lifted her pencil from the page and turned around in her seat. "Our Moms are still out on a call."

Jack walked up behind Lucy's chair and gave her shoulder an affectionate squeeze. "Happy birthday, you" he said.

"Not until tomorrow" Lucy corrected.

"I know. You don't think I'd miss the party of the year, did you?"

Lucy sometimes wished everyone wouldn't make such a fuss. She wished she could just have a cake and a few gifts like most kids. She wished she could spend the day just her and her Mom and no one else, but she immediately felt guilty for thinking that.

Travis saw the look on her face and knew what she must be thinking. "You're turning thirteen, that's a big deal" he said. "We all love you, we want to celebrate."

Lucy sighed and forced a smile for her Mom's best friend. She didn't mean to sound ungrateful. She knew she was lucky to have so many people in her life who loved her and cared about her. But sometimes it hurt, and it was a strange feeling, missing something you never really had, but one look at her Mom in the days leading up to her birthday and she understood everything.

She didn't really realise she was crying until Travis took the pencil from her hand and put it down on the table. "You don't need to do this now" he said gently. He looped his arm around her shoulders and gave her a squeeze.

"Cookie?" Jack asked. "I promise I won't tell." He winked at her and Lucy laughed, sniffing back her tears.

"Hey, no fair" Alex protested.

"Life's unfair sometimes, buddy" Jack said, turning to him with a shrug. "You have to learn to deal with it."

* * *

The automatic doors to Grey Sloane Memorial's emergency room slid open and Maya Bishop emerged, having finished up the paperwork from their last drop off of the day. Their shift was officially over 15 minutes ago and she was thrilled about it. She couldn't wait to get back to the station and then home with her family.

She found har partner sitting on a bench a little way away from the Aid Car and approached cautiously. She knew what a tough week this was for her, and had been every year for the past 13 years. Maya felt a pang of guilt. Even all these years later she felt a little responsible.

"Vic?"

Hughes looked up and wiped her eyes. "I'm fine. I'm just exhausted, that's all. It's been a difficult shift. Let's go."

Vic made to stand up but Maya gently put a hand on her friend's shoulder and Vic sank back into the bench. "There's no hurry" she said. "If you want to talk…"

"Lucy's waiting for me. I promised I'd take her out for burritos for her birthday dinner."

"All the kids are at the station. Jack can look after her for a little longer. Let me look after you."

Vic was quiet for a time. Maya didn't push her. She'd learnt a long time ago that the tough love approach she often applied to try and help the people she cared about didn't always work. This required patience, and if there was one thing Maya had learned from raising twins, it was patience. Eventually Vic took a deep breath and looked up from the spot on the ground she had been staring at for the last five minutes. "It's my daughter's birthday tomorrow, I should be happy about it, but instead I'm sat here crying on a bench." She laughed, but it was a laugh full of bitterness and self-hatred. "I try so hard to not let my memories affect her but it's so hard, especially this week."

Maya put her arm around Vic to comfort her, but she knew the gesture was nowhere near adequate. Maya thought back to 13 years ago but knew she couldn't even begin to imagine what Vic went through, although she tried so hard to be there for her friend, they all did. Vic was in labour for over four days and they didn't leave her side, but through all that everyone was aware there was only one person who Vic wanted by her side and that was the only person who couldn't be there.

"You're allowed to feel sad Vic. Or angry or in pain. No one thinks any less of you for it, least of all Lucy."

"I wasn't the mother I should have been, not at the beginning. I was hurting too much, some days I could barely look at her. She deserved better than that."

"You did the best you could" Maya said. "That's all any of us can do." She swallowed. "I'm sorry if I made things harder for you."

Maya closed her eyes. That time was hard on them all. Newborn Lucy basically had ten parents for a time while the whole Station 19 family tried to support Vic and help care for the baby until she was ready to go it alone. For Maya it was especially strange. When Lucy was born, she was already pregnant herself. She was only three months along then, barely showing, and trying to come to terms with the shock, but she remembered being so happy about it, despite everything else that was going on. Caring for a tiny squirming baby that was not hers while her own babies grew inside her was a weird experience but there was no denying the practice helped her and Jack when they became parents themselves. That was the other thing, feeling guilty that in a way she had benefitted from Vic's pain. But none of this was about her, and she regretted bringing it up.

Vic's head snapped up. "No" she said, firmly. "You shouldn't feel bad about that. You and Jack, you were doing it the right way, the way people are supposed to start a family. I admit it was hard sometimes seeing you, but I never begrudged you your happiness, not for a second."

Maya's heart broke a little bit, just as it had back then. What had she done to deserve all that happiness when Vic was falling apart with grief? It wasn't fair. She would have shared.

Vic stared off across the parking lot, watching the steady stream of traffic file in and out of the entrance. She felt sick. She lied. To Maya, to Jack, even to Andy. In her darkest moments she _did_ begrudge them their happiness. It made her feel like a horrible person, and she would never admit it out loud, but sometimes when she watched Jack and Maya with the twins, or Andy with Isaac, she hated them, and hated the universe for being so cruel.

Those dark moments had come less and less frequently over the years, and when they did come now, they were much less intense. Before she used to feel full of rage and wanted to destroy everything in her path when she thought about the future that had been snatched away. Now it felt more like a constant dull ache in the pit of her stomach. She didn't miss Lucas any less, but she had acclimatised to her feelings and had learned to control them better.

There was one moment, when the three kids were about 4 or 5 and Isaac was only a baby, that Vic remembered vividly. There was a department picnic, the sun was shining, but it had taken all the strength she had to get up that morning and go, knowing the day would be filled with fun and laughter that she just couldn't feel. Her mood was affecting Lucy, she knew that, but she couldn't pull herself out of it. She remembered watching Jack chase his kids around the lawn. He caught Caitlin and swung her high in the air, both of them laughing. She watched the beautiful father daughter moment, both of them had looks of the purest joy on their faces. Then she caught sight of her own little girl, sombre and alone, watching the same scene she was while she picked at her plate of food and Vic's heart broke. Lucy would never have that, she would never know her father, and nothing Vic could do would change that.

She had spent so much time throughout Lucy's life telling her all the wonderful things about her father. How caring he was, how brave, how funny and warm, and how he brightened any room he walked into. Lucy had all those qualities too and Vic was so proud. She hoped Lucas would be too, and she hoped she'd done enough to raise his child right.

"You're a great mom, Vic." Maya's words pulled Vic out of her thought spiral. "Lucy is a wonderful young lady, that's because of you. If you ever feel like you're not enough, you just need to look at her to know that's not true."

Vic smiled despite her tears. She didn't understand how her daughter had grown to be so kind and confident and together, not with a mother who was such a mess. But she thanked God every day that her failures has a parent at the beginning seemed to have had no lasting effect. Vic took a tissue from her pocket and wiped her face, trying to pull herself together. She didn't want Lucy to know she'd been crying. She wanted her to be happy. Vic had planned the whole weekend to celebrate and she would make it fun for Lucy if it killed her. Starting with dinner, just the two of them.

"I love you" Maya said, wrapping both arms around her friend. "We all do. We love both of you."

Vic hugged back. It wasn't only her and Lucy in her family, they were not all alone. Station 19 were their family, everyone who worked there and their partners and kids. She was unbelievably lucky to have so many people who cared for her.

"I love you too" Vic said. "Thank you."

Maya rubbed her back one more time before letting go. "Any time."

"Shall we get back?"

Maya nodded, but inwardly groaned. "Yeah. I'm dreading it slightly though. Alex had a softball game today. If they lost who knows what kind of mood he'll be in. If it's possible, that kid is more competitive than I am."

Vic smiled. "I believe it. I've played Uno with him, I know."

* * *

"Mom, guess what?" Alex bounced up to Maya as she got out of the driver's seat.

Maya signed with relief at seeing the happy look on her son's face. "You won?"

"We won! I caught out their best player, it was so cool."

"Nice one" Maya said, and held up her hand for a high five which Alex duly accepted.

Lucy came running down the stairs when she heard the car pull in. She had her jacket and back pack on, ready to go, and a big smile on her face. Vic's mood was instantly lifted when she saw her. Maya was right, how could she be sad with this not-so-little-anymore ray of sunshine in her life?

"Hi Mom" Lucy said brightly. She went to her mother for a hug, wrapping her arms tightly around her waist.

"Hey sweetheart. Good day at school?" Vic kissed the top of her head as Lucy nodded. "You can tell me all about it over dinner. Do you still want burritos?" Lucy raised her eyebrow and Vic laughed. "You're right, that was a stupid question wasn't it?"

"Can we get burritos too Dad?" Alex asked hopefully.

"Nope. There's lasagne in the fridge."

"Again?" Alex whined.

"Ouch" Jack said, feigning hurt. "It's my speciality."

"More like the only thing you can cook."

"Hey." Maya clipped her son gently round the back of the head. "Don't be cheeky." As she walked past, she gave Jack a peck on the cheek. "Give me five minutes, I'll just change and grab my things. Make sure the kids are ready to go."

Vic smiled at her daughter. She had grown so tall she wasn't really looking down at her any more. "I've got to change too" she said, reluctant to let go of their embrace. "I won't be long."

"Hughes?" Rookie Hopkins poked his head out of the store room. "Captain Herrera wanted to see you when you got back."

Vic nodded. "Okay." She turned back to Lucy. "I'm sorry, I'll try not to be too long."

"It's alright. I can wait."

A few minutes later, Vic knocked on the door to the Captain's office and entered when a familiar voice told her to come in. Vic was charmed by the scene she found. Isaac was sitting on his mother's lap scribbling in his notepad and Andy was far more interested in her son's latest adventure story than the requisition forms she was supposed to be reviewing. She looked up when Vic came in and smiled.

"Hey" she said then turned to Isaac, gently trying to nudge him off her lap. "Why don't you go work on your story in the kitchen? I need to talk to Vic."

The young boy nodded and gathered his things, scampering out of the room. Andy watched him leave and smiled to herself. When she was a kid, she loved spending time at the station with her Dad while he was working, she was thrilled that the tradition was continuing. Although she hoped, not for the first time, that Isaac wouldn't want to follow in her footsteps and become a firefighter like she had.

When he'd gone, Vic closed the door and sat down on the other side of the desk.

"I keep waiting for him to grow too big to want cuddles from me" Andy said wistfully. "He's growing so fast."

Vic smiled. "Kids do that. It seems like I blinked and mine is a teenager already."

"Is the party still on tomorrow? Everyone will understand if you want to cancel. If it's too much…"

Vic shook her head. "No, Lucy wants a party. I think. I mean, I'll ask her again but she loves all you guys, I'm sure she'd want you there to help celebrate."

Andy took a deep breath, sliding into boss mode, although even when she was in Captain mode she was still a friend. They had all been through so much together, it would be impossible to be anything else. "How are you?" she asked, seriously. "It's been a tough and busy week, I want to make sure you're alright, that you're coping. I know how hard it is for you."

Vic looked away for a second, trying to summon some strength. "I'm alright. Truly. I know everyone's worried about me, but it's not necessary. I just want to concentrate on giving Lucy the best birthday weekend."

Andy nodded. "Just as long as you know we're all here for you. Always."

"I know" Vic said, and she did. The certainly she felt that her family would be there to support her no matter what was one of the few things she was sure of in her life. "I have to go, I'll see you all tomorrow."

Vic bumped into Maya in the locker room as both women changed. Maya was please to see that Vic seemed happier and more like herself than she had done all day. Maya closed her locker door and squeezed Vic's shoulder as she passed. "Have a great evening" she said, and they shared a look as Maya left.

Alone properly for the first time in 12 hours, Vic sat down to collect her thoughts. It was dangerous for her to be alone in her own head sometimes, but she'd learnt to manage. She only needed a second. Her daughter was waiting for her. Vic pulled off her boots and started to change, smiling to herself that she now had two whole days off to spend with Lucy.

"You've not seen my daughter on your travels have you?" Maya asked. Her and Jack and Alex were standing by the exit, ready to leave. Lucy was with them too, chatting to Alex about their English homework.

Vic shook her head. "No, sorry."

"Cait, get a move on!" Jack yelled and his voice echoed through the building. There was no way Caitlin wouldn't hear.

Vic shook her head, putting her arm around Lucy's shoulders. "Are you ready to go?"

She nodded. "I'm starving. Can we get nachos too? I want the biggest bowl. With loads of cheese."

"Absolutely" Vic said. "Whatever you want, it's your birthday."

"Tomorrow" Lucy clarified.

Vic squeezed her tighter. They left the building, leaving Maya and Jack to wrangle their kids alone, and walked around the back of the station to their car. "Your birthday celebrations start now."

* * *

Lucy took the last bite of her burrito and dropped her napkin onto her empty plate. She watched her mother across the booth in their favourite restaurant. Her eyes were puffy, Lucy knew that meant she had been crying, but was trying hard to be cheerful for her sake. It was a look she recognised well and now she was old enough to understand why her Mom seemed so sad sometimes, she only wanted to make those feelings go away.

"Are you alright Mom?" she asked tentatively.

"Of course" Vic said between bites, "how could I not be when I'm spending time with my favourite person?"

Lucy smiled sadly. "You don't need to do that, you know. It's okay if you're not okay. You can tell me, I'm not a kid anymore."

Vic had taken another bit so couldn't answer straight away but Lucy saw something in her eyes change, like she was trying to stop more tears from forming.

"You miss Dad" Lucy said. A lump caught in Vic's throat and she found it hard to swallow.

"I miss him every second of every day" Vic said.

Lucy stretched a hand across the table and held her Mom's fingers in hers. "You don't have to pretend to be okay for me."

A tear slid down Vic's cheek despite her best efforts. "When did you get so smart?" she asked. Lucy just shrugged, embarassed. "I'm so proud of you. Your Dad would be too, I know it. I wish so much he could have met you."

"I wish that too" Lucy said. When she was little, she spent a lot of her time imagining what it would be like to have a Dad. She watched Caitlin and Alex with Jack and closed her eyes, imagining her own father lifting her up for a hug, or combing her hair, or helping her to tie her shoes. Photos of him filled their house, she'd had no trouble holding a picture of him in her mind whenever she tried, but the fundamental feeling of having a father, something most people too for granted, was something she would never know. As she grew up, she stopped wasting her birthday wishes on bringing him back, she knew that could never happen. Instead she started using them on a more attainable wish, to make her Mom's pain go away. She was 9 the first time she blew out her birthday candles and wished for that. She never told anyone, not Josie and not Caitlin and certainly not her Mom. This year wouldn't be any different.

"Listen, we don't have to do the party tomorrow if you don't want to."

"No, I want to, I promise." Despite her fleeting thought earlier, Lucy really did want to spend her birthday surrounded by her huge random mis-matched family. It would be fun.

"Are you sure? I would have thought you were getting a bit old to want a family party. When I turned thirteen all I wanted to do was go to the movies with my boyf…"

Vic stopped herself and Lucy grinned. "Your boyfriend?"

It was Vic's turn to be embarrassed. "Yeah."

Lucy folded her arms, mockingly. "That's a little young to be having a boyfriend don't you think?"

Vic looked at her sternly. "Yes. I do. You don't… do you?"

Lucy shook her head. "No. Cross my heart." She did. And she meant it.

"Good. You're growing up too quickly as it is, I don't think I'm ready for that step yet."

"Are _you_ okay with the party?" Lucy asked, concerned. "If it's too much for you we can cancel."

Vic was touched that her daughter was so concerned about her feelings that she was willing to give up her birthday so she wouldn't feel sad, but Vic was determined not to let her. She had spent too much time after Lucy was born letting her grief get in the way of being a good mother. After she'd come out the other side, she promised herself that she would never let anything come before her daughter's happiness. Tomorrow would be hard, it always was, but she would push through for Lucy. She would do anything for Lucy.

"Stop worrying about me" Vic said, and leant across the table for emphasis. She bopped Lucy on the nose the way she used to do when she was young and it made them both smile. But when Vic sat back down the smile faded.

The day Lucy was born was such a blur for Vic, she could barely remember anything about it. She was so utterly exhausted after a long labour, so utterly wracked with paid and grief and longing, that what should have been one of the happiest days of her life was obscured in her memory in a haze of medication. She knew she cried when the doctor handed Lucy to her, and that her tears were of sadness as well as joy. But in the days and weeks that followed, her depression was at its very worst. She left Lucy's care primarily to the nurses, and later to Travis and Andy and Maya and whoever else happened to be around once they were released from the hospital. She didn't remember a time when she was ever alone with her new baby. She realised now that all her friends were so worried about her and scared to leave her alone, but at the time she just wished everyone would leave her in peace including, and this thought tore at Vic whenever it entered her head, Lucy.

Vic looked across the table at her beautiful daughter and was overwhelmed by how much she loved her now, but the truth was she didn't feel it right away. She was too busy missing Lucas. When she was older Vic would tell Lucy the truth, but not yet. She was still a child, despite her protestations to the contrary, and she was wise and mature beyond her years. Vic wanted to protect her from pain as long as possible with every fibre of her being. For a while after she lost the love of her life, before she even found out Lucy existed and long before she arrived in the world, Vic couldn't see a reason for living. But now, she couldn't imagine ever feeling so lost again. Lucy was her reason.

"I love you Mom" Lucy said. "You're the best."

Vic turned but shook her head. "I'm not, but thank you. I love you too. More than you can know."

"You are" Lucy said defiantly. She looked deep into Vic's eyes with an intensity that she hoped would drive the point home. "Nobody's perfect, but you are the best to me."

Mother and daughter shared that moment in silence. Their empty plates were cleared away and they just sat there, holding hands across the table. The moment was only broken by their waiter emerging from the kitchen with a plate piled high with churros and a single candle poking out the top. Vic looked to see him coming and a smile spread across her face.

Lucy shrank down in her seat, turning pink in embarrassment as the wait staff sung happy birthday to her. Her Mom conducted them theatrically, singing louder than any of them with a goofy grin on her face.

"Stop!" Lucy protested. "Mom, you're so embarrassing."

The singing stopped and Lucy blew out the candle, making her wish. She sunk so far down in her seat only her eyes and the top of her head were visible over the top of the table. Vic sat back, triumphant. Lucy felt her cheeks burn as she felt the entire restaurant staring at her, but she smiled inwardly too. Her wish had already taken effect.

"What's the point of being a parent if you can't embarrass your kids in public?" she asked. She picked up a churro, dipping it in the hot chocolate sauce and took a bite.

Lucy slowly sat back up, still trying to hide her face. Despite her embarrassment, and she was _so_ embarrassed, she was secretly pleased. It was worth it to see her Mom happy. Plus, she had no doubt there would be much more singing, and some embarrassing childhood stories on top tomorrow when she was surrounded by all her honorary aunts and uncles.

"Come on" Vic said, taking another churro from the pile. "If you don't tuck in, I'll eat them all myself."

* * *

_Author note: Thank you guys so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed my little glimpse into a possible Station 19 future. I still have a lot of feelings after this weeks episode, I wanted to explore some angst but also give our characters some happiness. I hoped you liked Lucy, and I hope she made the emotions of Ripley's death a little easier, as she did for Vic._

_For some reason I find it easier to picture Jack and Maya with kids than I do them married. I know plenty of happy couples with kids in their teens who never married. I think it suits them!_

_Oh, and I'll let you all draw your own conclusions about who Isaac's father is! :P_


End file.
